Adoptive Parents, Read These

Read these posts, which will open your eyes to the complexity of the relationships our children's first mothers have with their children, their children's adoptive parents, and themselves.

Recovering Birthmother
I Am Allowed to Change My Mind
Finding Voice

And on Kim Kim's blog this week is a post with these just these words:

Adoption is when a stranger becomes your mother and your mother becomes a stranger

Please read what these mothers have to say.


Margie, thank you for letting us blog readers listen in as you give voice to many of the uncertainties and questions most of us in the adoption triad share.

I think what is critical is the acknowledgement of shared grief for lives unlived because of the circumstances and choices afforded us.

Of course, the only ones without choice are the children. But no child, born to us or adopted by us, is given any choice in the matter. Like pets (pardon the analogy), children are hostage to the strengths and weaknesses, the sweetness and savagery of their parents.

My mother used to say that because no child asks to be born, parents owe their children everything. Children owe parents nothing because the job of parenting is "paid forward." My children owe me nothing. I'm just doing my job. My children, in turn, will owe their children everything, too.

As a mother, I think of myself as part of the "aggregate mother" - one of the mothers who created, cared for, and loved my Korean-born children. Mother as "we" love, we care, and yes, we hurt.

So the loss is a given. What we do with the sense of loss - do we learn and grow from it or get mired deep in it?

Like you, I don't have any real answers. But my questions are getting better.
Margie said…
So so true, Roberta, thanks for your thoughts. My kids were both out on Friday, and my husband and I had a long discussion about this. He said what I'm going to need to remember as I work through all of these issues (which for some reason have hit a critical note at this point in my life) is that no matter the conflict I feel about having adopted or the injustice of the system, my main job is to support my kids.

Peaceful Memorial Day, to you and to all!
Overwhelmed! said…
Thanks, I'll go check these out.
KimKim said…
It's very generous of you to link us and to have such empathy - thank you.

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