The Sham of Closure

From Claud, Musings of the Lame:

No one warns you that that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and the
shaking hands, and beating the mention of the word adoption..will
continue to be your companion long after you lose your pregnacy weight and the kicks in your bladder are nothing but fond memories. You might get though the endless nights of silent screams and soaked with tears pillows..but that ache in the gut will be here to stay

Read the entire post here.

I think I have allowed myself to believe that by adopting, I've helped my children's first parents, especially their mothers who carried and bore them, move on with their lives, come to closure. But from what I'm reading, there is no closure. It's just a phrase society has invented to tidy up the details for those of us who do move on - because we have the children.


suz said…
you are absolutely correct. there can be no closure. our lives become different but not better. i was not helped. my child was (i hope). i was forever hurt. but it was never about me.

candidly, i dont think i ever want to live in a world where a woman does not hurt forever by losing her child to adoption. what kind of women would those be?
FauxClaud said…
Thank you so much for understanding. And seeing it so clearly including the duplicity involved.
I knew I had you listed on my blog for a reason, you really do get it.
Thank you for that, for putting words to it.
Cookie said…
Closure, no? There are some experiences too profound for complete closure - losing a child is one of them - to adoption or otherwise. Some healing is possible.

I agree with the other moms - it is refreshing to find an adoptive mom who seems to "get" it.
inmyheart said…
What a moving post. So good to read.
You are right about Cleveland, too! Do you like Michael Stanley? Love him! Going to see him this weekend.
Thank you so much for sharing your understanding. Now if I could just figure out how in the world to get my sons adoptive mom to see that this way of thinking is OK!
Anonymous said…
how can there be closure? it is a loss with no closure and thus no resolution to the grief.

it goes on forever. just like the parents whose child is kidnapped with " no body found, we search the faces of every child of the age we see -- in supermarkets, on sidewalks, in schoolyards -- to find ours. we know that there is a "chance" ... we live for reunion or "the next letter."

"Used, abused, and then discarded, she stumbles emotionally through the years, haunted by the knowledge that her child is living somewhere, with someone, but where, and with whom? If she tries to trace her child ... she is cruelly reminded that she has served her function and that really society couldn't care less what happens to her now." - Death by Adoption, Joss Shawyer.

I'm glad that you are now realizing the unending pain that exiled mothers live with every day. I am just very shocked that you were never told about it before.

"A most striking finding in the present study is that the majority of these women reported no diminution of their sadness, anger and guilt over the considerable number of years which had elapsed since their relinquishment. A significant number actually reported an intensification of these feelings especially anger. ... Taken overall, the evidence suggests that over half of these women are suffering from severe and disabling grief reactions which are not resolved over the passage of time and which manifest predominantly as depression and psychosomatic illness." -- summary of "Psychological Disability in Women who Relinquish a Baby for Adoption," by Dr. John T. Condon (Medical Journal of Australia) Vol 144 Feb 3 1986

I notice that you adopted from Korea. This pain isn't limited to Caucasian mothers. Unwed mothers in Korea are under a huge amount of pressure from maternity homes to surrender.

You may be interested in this article describing the coercion that takes place in Korea:

" Virtually from conception, the adoption agencies have established a system of guaranteeing a steady supply of healthy children. They support pregnant women's homes; in fact, three of the four agencies run their own. One of the agencies has its own maternity hospital and does its own delivery. All four provide and subsidize child care. All pay foster mothers about $80 a month to care the infants, and the agencies provide the food and the clothing and other supplies free of charge. And they support orphanages, or operate them themselves. When the time for departures arrives, the babies are flown to their foreign families, escorted by strangers who wait in line for their discount airfares. "I've had to ask myself, do we really have baby factory here?," Ackerman says.

... Some girls want to keep their children, but the social worker persuades her that's impossible, so she gives up the child." One social worker couldn't take it any longer. She was employed by one of the four adoption agencies for several years, and she was appalled by the increasing callousness and the competition. "It's really like dealing with a product instead of taking care of the mother and the child," the social worker told me, speaking on condition that she would be not be identified. "Our weekly staff meetings were all about numbers: How many babies did we get that week? The numbers were the most important thing. It never used to be so sad," she says." - From " Babies for sale. South Koreans make them, Americans buy them" by Matthew Rothschild


you may be able to find your children's natural mother, through the adoption agency that you got them from. it's possible and there is a movement in Korea to reunite Korean adoptees. good luck.
HeatherRainbow said…
There will never be closure, even if the adoptees find their moms, or vice versa. All those years are lost.

And, it is painful for the adoptees as well, especially those from other countries, because not only did they lose their family, they lost their culture. I invite you to come to my blog and check out some of the Korean blogs and links. It may help you and your children.
HeatherRainbow said…
I should look before I post. LOL.
Margie said…
Thank you all for your thoughts!!! I have so many responses to your questions, many more questions, and also want to share a little of my experience. I think that will help put my thoughts into perspective. And I will be finding your blogs, too, if I haven't already. I truly appreciate all you have to say.

Anonymous said…
Thank you for sharing your insight. Validation, if heartfelt, is such a balm to the soul. I hope, one day, you can say these things to your children's other mom, too.

Thank you again.

Jenna said…
Wow. Thank you for that.

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