They Never Taught This in Adoption Class

But they should have. The depth of pain felt by first parents is part of the adoption experience. As I come to understand this and recognize my role in it, it heightens my awareness of my children's sense of loss, and helps me understand the importance of their relationship with their first families. And that makes me better able to support them.

I never really understood how much adoption would alter the very essence of who I was. It doesn't matter what books you read or who you talk to- there are no words adequate for the inner shift. There is before and after- that is all. Our situation would be considered a model of the best and yet I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It is that jolting. It is that unimaginable. It is that shattering- and not just shattering in the sense that I am devastated- adoption shatters your beliefs- the very core of who you are- your definition of family- the person you will become. It doesn't just affect the relationships then, it affects them forever-including the ones you don't even realize you're going to have.

Read the entire post here at Not Mother. Thanks, Kim, for posting the link.


suz said…
ouch. wow. let me catch my breath. so very very very true. i was just thinking this today. how i had NO idea 20 years ago that my husband of today and my children of today would be victims of my adoption experience. so much of me is wrong, different, shifted, jaded, etc. and they are witness to it daily.

its a life sentence for sure.
KimKim said…
I think most people who adopt know how painful it is for those who lose their children but they justify it and trivialize it rather than take it all in. If a mother does express what it is like she is often called bitter or told that she needs counselling to get over it......Not many mothers are like you which is why we visit your blog!
This really hit me too. Breath taking.
MomSquared said…
They don't teach it even now..but I think about it all the time. Especially after my babies were born..I couldn't imagine the pain of knowing I wouldn't see them again.

I think a big part of respect for first mothers is understanding this pain. It hurts to think about it, but not nearly as much as it must hurt to go through it.

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