Truth and Humility, 2-by-4 Version
I have recently tried nicely to make the point that adoptive parents need to put themselves last in the adoption discussion. I have tried calmly to suggest that we need to curb our tongues a bit. I've tried my best to put these thoughts out there without preaching.
But in the past week I’ve read things on blogs and forums that beg a different approach – like maybe a plank to the side of some heads.
First there was the forum thread, specifically set up to discuss heavier issues and clearly named, that crashed and burned when adoptive parents drove it off topic. And another thread that also derailed when an adoptive parent got into a “sticks and stones” kind of debate with an adoptee.
Then, there was a comment on an a-parent blog directed at a first mother that thanked her for not aborting her child, and then stated that women who “give up” their children for adoption aren't mothers.
And finally there were the comments of yet another adoptive parent to a post on a KAD blog that so disrespected the author and all adoptees that it literally stunned me. This one ended with a self-pat on the a-parent’s own back for adopting a child that had been abandoned by her “real” parents to the mercy of strangers.
Enough. Let me repeat the sentiments I shared earlier this week, this time with my 2-by-4 in hand:
- We adoptive parents are not the stars of this show.
- We have no right to expect to be understood by first parents or adopted people.
- We have no right to invalidate or otherwise judge the adoption experiences of adoptees and first parents.
- We have no right to expect respect from first parents or adopted people beyond that which civil behavior affords everyone.
And let me end with a plea to the a-parents who seem to be fueling this fray: Disrespecting those whose opinions about adoption differ from yours doesn't prove you love your children more, and listening without judgment doesn't mean you love them less.
Comments
kidding. love it. agree. keep on roaring.
People believe what they want to believe. Sad, but true. Much easier to think of oneself as the savior of a baby whose real mother didn't even want him than as the beneficiary of a very sad situation.
I, too, was appalled at the chidlish way that some a-parents were reacting on the forum to adoptee perspectives (especially when they were spoken in a diplomatic manner)However, being an adoptee (*gasp, and apparently not entitled to the same sort of validity on that particular forum) I didn't feel as though I could address that situation in specific terms.
Thank you for expressing what I couldn't...
Sometimes I get so sick of happy amoms, and feel like every time I post something I am going to get a barrage of, "you are picking on my family, you are saying my kids are going to be screwed up for life, whah whah"
When in fact all I have done is post something from my experience.
All I am allowed to be is happy happy happy, it's psychotic.
I am supposed to be psychotically happy and drooling in gratitude.
Thanks for being another voice, for adding balance.
thanks for this and for giving us a little shake. as a fairly new ap, i think my learning curve is only now starting to slow down. initially, i was a little surprised (threatened?) by the angry kads and by how much self-therapy they need to give each other. perhaps i was only selfishly worried about whether my own son would feel the same way when he reaches adult age.
and why should i be concerned or pass any judgement about how much therapy a kad needs anyway. i would never judge APs who need to self-heal by talking to each other about their insecurities, anger or emotions no matter how many years or decades the self-healing required. although i do think it is healthier to not dwell on the things we can't change, i know for myself personally, it is nearly impossible to put that into practice.
we want to do a good job as aps, but then we may forget and put our own feelings first.
The term "parenting" implies giving birth and raising a child. In adoption that role is generally shared by two sets of adults. The best scenario implies a mutual respect and the mutual goal of putting the child first above their own needs. Some people lack the maturity and the insight to see that their negative attitudes and comments say more about them than they do about the people they attack. And any a-parent being disrespectful to a first mom or dad or to the feelings of an adoptee sets the stage for future problems with their own child. Their child will feel it.
As an adoption worker (and adoptive parent of two fab daughters in their 20's)I look for people who are at least willing to be open and generous, to step outside their own fears for their child's sake. Sure, being open to the unknown is scary but the benefits of finding out as much as possible about your child's history and celebrating your child's culture enhances who they are and will become. And the side benefit is that you become identified as an advocate for your child and surprise, surprise: you enrich your own life by embracing a multi-cultural identity. And get to meet some terrific people in the process!
Keep on!
Cher
The conference was awesome, still can't believe I was able to go!