Back - with a caveat
I've missed writing too much to stay away much longer. I'm back.
I can't say I've done much soul-searching over the past couple of weeks, because I've been too busy with work. But I think I've figured out why I was ready to throw in the towel, and the way I deal with this in the future is the one caveat I have to set for continuing to write.
It just plain hurts to feel like the enemy all the time. I recognize that for those who are struggling with the pain of adoption, adoptive parents ARE one of the causes of that pain, perhaps the main cause. I accept that. But as one who personalizes everything (oh, if I had a buck for every time Third Dad has said "Don't take it personally" to me!), the hostility goes straight to my heart. And it hurts.
So somehow I need to find a way to acknowledge, accept and act upon the injustices of adoption without internalizing to the degree I have. I don't know that I've quite figured out how to do this, but that's the caveat. The self-imposed target simply has to come off my back.
Nothing else changes - neither my belief that adoption law and practice are inherently flawed, nor that they are in need of overhaul, nor that adoptive parents are accountable for acknowledging this. I'm not sure what this means for my writing, but we'll see.
I can't say I've done much soul-searching over the past couple of weeks, because I've been too busy with work. But I think I've figured out why I was ready to throw in the towel, and the way I deal with this in the future is the one caveat I have to set for continuing to write.
It just plain hurts to feel like the enemy all the time. I recognize that for those who are struggling with the pain of adoption, adoptive parents ARE one of the causes of that pain, perhaps the main cause. I accept that. But as one who personalizes everything (oh, if I had a buck for every time Third Dad has said "Don't take it personally" to me!), the hostility goes straight to my heart. And it hurts.
So somehow I need to find a way to acknowledge, accept and act upon the injustices of adoption without internalizing to the degree I have. I don't know that I've quite figured out how to do this, but that's the caveat. The self-imposed target simply has to come off my back.
Nothing else changes - neither my belief that adoption law and practice are inherently flawed, nor that they are in need of overhaul, nor that adoptive parents are accountable for acknowledging this. I'm not sure what this means for my writing, but we'll see.
* * * * *
Now, to get the ball rolling again:
Greetings to everyone I haven't been able to visit these past couple of weeks!!
Any ideas for things I could write about? What have I missed that's important to you all? I see that when you stop writing, the machinery kind of grinds to a halt. I need a few ideas to get it moving again!
Greetings to everyone I haven't been able to visit these past couple of weeks!!
Any ideas for things I could write about? What have I missed that's important to you all? I see that when you stop writing, the machinery kind of grinds to a halt. I need a few ideas to get it moving again!
Comments
My own blended family dynamic is extremely non-traditional and could be an entire blog unto itself. I'm both a custodial stepmom to another mother's 17 year old, and the noncustodial mom of a 17 year old who wants to live with my sister to be closer to his girlfriend. My own self-imposed back target is not only dayglow neon, but it glows in the dark too.
Now that's a totally different situation than yours, but I guess maybe what I'm saying is there is a whole lot of stories out there, and yours is important. At least to me it is. And I have a feeling it is to a lot of other people too.
I started a personal blog to separate my parenting writing from my professional librarian writing. It's at http://sandycovetrail.blogspot.com. Stop by anytime!
I too have tried out that self-imposed target, and it causes problems for me when I try to take responsibility for things that are not mine: pain, injustice, and loss that I didn't personally cause and can't heal. I don't think that kind of guilt, or making oneself into the enemy, is helpful in the end, especially if it leads to silencing oneself or burning out and withdrawing from the discussion.
I am learning how to engage with adoption issues in a way that feels healthy for me: empathetic and informed, but not depressed, guilt-ridden, or defensive.
I'd love to see you write about how you have engaged with your children's birth culture. I've seen that both extremes are problematic (either ignoring the birth culture, or co-opting it) and I'm wondering how to find middle ground there.
I don't know what the answer is, Margie, but it's a tough one. But I know that I'm glad you're back and I'm sure I'm only one of many. You're an important voice here.
Welcome back! *HUGSHUGSHUGS*
I am so glad you exist, so very glad.
As I turned from infant to toddler, my mother experienced a similar 'reality check.' As she once explained it to me in a private session, she simply woke up one day and looked and me and thought "whose daughter is this? Whose face is that? Whose culture did I rob? And who am I kidding?" It haunted her and it drove her crazy (not in the medical sense!). She became obsessed about helping me to recover what she felt she stole from me - helping to give back what she felt she stole from my first mother. She went one a search - only to find the trail was dead. During her search for me, she got comfort in the sense that she was "repairing" the damage that adoption had done (that she felt she had done). At the time of her findings I was about 10 years old and I can remember our relationship changing around that time. What she describes as her "reality check" - I describe as the start of my second loss, because she simply started then to step away from it all. The loss and the pain was too much to deal with and all she could figure to do was to not deal with it at all. Last year, soon after my 23rd birthday, I was diagnosed with leukemia. For my mother, this diagnosis was the final push. And now I miss the mother I had from age 8 months to 23 years, although I do not blame her for this second loss as I know it is all beyond her.
I'm glad you are not stepping away, because stepping away is only creating another loss. The first one was not created by you - it was created by adoption. Just because you feel the gain from adoption does not mean you are responsible for the loss from adoption.
I always look forward to reading what you have to say, and I am always excited to see so many people from various places in the adoption community coming here to read & dialog as well.
I was sure you'd be back. And I am so happy to find you again today, with all the supportive messages. I am often tested by taking things personally too. For me it's a reminder to go back inside, breathe and check what's real and true inside me. It can take a while.
Your voice, your writing is so uplifting and touches to many people. It's something I am grateful for.
I missed you! I'm glad you are back!
And Julie, the comment that you left was beautiful.
I had hoped to read and write all last weekend, but instead cleaned bathrooms, caught up on bills and did income taxes. Hopefully this will be my laid back weekend!!
Should have read "the privilege to continue learning from you." I've learned so much from your voice - I count it amongst my many blessings.
Hugs to you, Margie!