Seize the opportunity

I think it’s fair to say that any parent wants to protect his or her child from the hard realities of life as long as possible. For us white parents of transracially-adopted children, it’s perhaps a little harder than it is for most. Discussions of race may not come easily to us in the first place, particularly if we are having a hard time letting go of our hope for a color-blind society and believe that our love can conquer all.

So when opportunities arise for discussions about race, we have to grab them. Such an opportunity arose for my kids and me this past Sunday. We attend a church that’s about half an hour’s drive from our home, which gives us a nice, long (in teen terms) discussion window. This Sunday, after we got on the road to return home, I asked my kids what they’d talked about in their RE class that day. The Boy immediately responded that the topic had been race. Little did I know on Sunday how timely this discussion would be.

One of the things I have wanted to make sure my kids understand – and it is, very, very hard – is that they are members of minority communities. Getting them not to think of themselves as "white-alike" was challenging. Nurturing Korean cultural connections aren’t the answer to fostering a clear understanding of one’s racial identity. Most discussions of race came back to the teasing he had experienced, and he wasn’t always forgiving.

So when he announced that race was the subject of this past Sunday’s RE class, I held my breath a bit to see what had been discussed. A white student shared his opinions, which The Boy said negatively stereotyped Black and Hispanic people. And he spoke out in opposition.

It was heartening to know that the discussions The Boy and I have had have brought clarity to his understanding of the complexity of racial issues. So, seeing an opportunity to continue that, The Boy, The Girl and I talked about racial stereotyping all the way home, this time focusing on what kinds of stereotypes might be applied to them.

It’s not easy to tell your daughter that some men view her as an exotic “sex kitten” or that others may think of her as a "China doll." It’s not easy to tell your son that some unforgiving Americans will brand him as a “sneaky Asian,” or that others will expect him to know kung-fu. But it's true. And it's far better, in my opinion, that they recognize these descriptions as inappropriate stereotypes. We talked, too, about the negative effects of being described as the “model minority” - how this might prevent Asian Americans from access to services that appear not to apply, such as support for learning disabilities. They asked questions, they expressed surprise and concern and acknowledgment. And they’re that much wiser today.

It’s an opportunity I’m glad I grabbed. Yes, the discussion was difficult – there’s no question that it’s not easy to talk with your children about things you hope they never experience. But if you are avoiding opportunities like this one because you fear the discussion, remember: your children need you to face your fears, and to face the reality of racially-charged America. Their ability to develop realistic identities may depend on it.