Changes afoot

I've lost my written voice (if I ever had one), no one's reading, and there's no dialog - all my fault for being an incredibly boring blogger. Time for some changes, the first being that I've removed my other blog, Komapseumnida. I have no idea what the second will be. If you have any ideas, feel free to share them.

Edited to add: Let me explain a little more. When I started writing here, I felt I had something important to say. I fancied myself not so much a writer, but someone with the ability to write well, who might in the right circumstances become a writer. Well, to be perfectly candid, I really stink at writing. I may be able to string a few words together from time to time, but if my heart's not there, the words aren't either. And the words are gone, people. They. Are. Gone.

If they ever were there, and if I ever really had anything to say in the first place.

Edited to add more: And another thing. When I look back at what I've written, I'm always writing TO or FOR someone. TO adoptive parents. FOR adoptees and first parents. You all don't need me to do that, you're big boys and girls and can talk for yourself (see that boundary thing again.) The blogs I like to read have a much more personal point of view, but that runs me right up against my kids, who I just can't write about. I just can't invade their privacy. And there's really nothing about me to tell. I'm a short (no pun intended), completely open and incredibly boring book.

Man, this has turned into a whine, but it's been building for a long, long time, so please forgive me.

Edited to add even more: There's something else that I haven't been able to put my finger on, but it seems to be getting clearer. When I first started the blog, I wrote what I was thinking, what was in my head. Lately I find myself worrying about how this person or that group or XYZ organization will react when they read. In other words, I've lost the ability to just say what I think! Do you know how much that sucks? I hate it!

Comments

Dawn said…
I'm still reading! But I read from a feedreader so you can't see me come in on your stats.
Momof2 said…
I loved your Kamapsupnida! My kiddos are 12 & 13. It helps me to appreciate how fleeting is their time with me and to savor... I will miss your reminiscing.

Kathrin
Wendy said…
I'm still reading but I read from Bloglines, so I am not sure if I show up or not.
Margie said…
See guys, it's not the reading or the stats, it's the dialog. And there's none here, I just don't write anything interesting enough for it anymore.

*sigh*
Michelle said…
Oh Margie, you may feel as if you have nothing important to say but you have no idea! ALL your posts are important reads/finds for me. I am consistantly learning from your entries, changing my view and/or way of thinking, etc. because of you. I don't comment often because I feel sometimes it's not my place or I'm putting my nose in where it shouldn't be but I am an avid reader and treasure your blog.
John said…
I hear you on that - if my heart isn't in it, what comes out sounds spurious and contrived - often worse than having writer's block.

However, I think you've had a lot to say, and it's obvious that you got a lot untapped. Maybe take a week or two off, and come back to it when it starts to spill over again.

I've taken months off, almost a year. Just bored hearing my own words, and it's too difficult to avoid this, and avoid that, and trying to sound smart and or witty, interesting, or otherwise. And then, at the end of the day, I'm not sure it does anything for me - I'm a lazy narcissist like that. :)

Good luck, and for what it's worth, I enjoy what you write - and it does affect dialog, you just might not hear it because it's in my head. :)
spyderkl said…
I read almost every day, but don't comment as much as I ought. Just a combination of not quite as much time as before - which might fix itself in a couple of weeks, when Lena's home from school - and not feeling like I have a lot to say.

Maybe you just need a bit of a break? Not a long one, but a little one?
mama2roo said…
Hey Margie Girl--

Another feedreader here. I say that because I've found the reader makes me a lousy "dialogger". I think you have much to say and have said many things that cause me to have my own internal dialog even if I'm not pitching in on the covnersation. I agree that dialog is not as much fun or productive when you're the only one speaking...

I hope you are able to find a way to keep using your written voice in a way that not only inspires us readers (which it does!), but also fulfills you in some way.

And for the record, I still don't think you overstep your boundaries. You seem to be one of the most balanced, sensitive thinkers out here.
suz said…
Add me to feedreadder/google reader user.

Also, I suspect you just have a writers block. I believe in time you will find something good and juicy to share with us.

I can personally tell you I get oodles of visitors every day (many if not all repeats) but people rarely comment.

Yet for me, its an outlet, a way to vomit up the toxins of adoption left in my system. I dont do it for anyone else but me. Even if no one ever read or commented I would still write.

Oh, you will be fine. Take a break. I am sure someone little birdie will come flying by VA and drop a writing promptin your box soon.

Hugs.
Judy said…
Awwwwwww, MARGIE!!!!!

*sigh*, well, I understand somewhat I think. It's hard this writing about adoption without putting our kid(s) in it.

And sometimes it's just hard writing about adoption which is where I am now.

But -- probably sadly -- I have other stuff to write about. Oh, how I wish I didn't.

You just do what you need to do for Margie -- just keep in touch with ME because it's All. About. Me., yanno. ;)

*MUAH*
suz said…
Hey, would you like some prompts? Cuz like, dude, I could seriously ask you some questions I would love Adoptive parents to answer....
shoed contessa said…
I'm super shy online in the adoption world, but I read you every day. In many ways, you're my lifeline; as a pre-adoptive parent in the Korea program I am desperately seeking perspectives of parents who have been there not just for the first couple of years but all the way to young adulthood. While I firmly believe that if you're not having fun blogging at least most of the time you shouldn't do it, I would miss your posts so very much. You have made me ponder all sorts of issues I thought I'd already thought a lot about, from ethics to realistic ways to keep alive Korean culture for our child(ren). In fact, I was going to e-mail you privately this week to thank you!

Post or not as feels right to you; I'm not commenting to try to pressure you in the slightest. I just wanted to say that your perspectives in both blogs (and I loved your other one) have made a huge impact on me. A huge positive one. You've talked about wonderful moments and a lot of extremely important hard truths. You've made me think about doing advocacy for adoption ethics as my next career. You've made me feel like we can raise wonderful kids who are in touch with all parts of themselves without it becoming this huge mess of conflicts.

I'm sorry you're not feeling happy with how the blog is working for you, but even if you stop please know that you've made a massive impact on me. I'll be a better parent and a better person for it!
KimKim said…
You are totally popular and much loved as a person. I don't read many blogs anymore but yours is one I always come to visit. I don't comment much, it's not because I don't like what you write.

If you don't feel like writing then it can be a good sign. It's time to get out and enjoy the great weather.

Maybe nobody has anything interesting to say, why do you blame yourself? Most people are not as exciting as us Margie!
Lauren said…
Hi Margie,

I love checking in to both of your blogs. Like Shoed Contessa, I believe your patient and thoughtful words will make me better as an AP.

But the words can't be for us (APs, adoptees, birth parents, etc.), they have to be for you.

I appreciate your courage in bridging the tough issues.

Lauren
Cavatica said…
I think you write an important blog. I read it often.
Christina said…
I really hear what you are saying, and honestly I'm going through the same kind of thing. These days all I seem to write about is our big move. I can't get 'inspired' to write any of the adoption-related stuff that I used to write and I feel such guilt about it! I know there is much to say, much to be done, but my voice (as you so nicely put it) is just gone. I'm hoping it will come back, when the craziness passes. I guess sometimes we all just need to step back and clear our heads.
Julie said…
I still read, too--mostly from Bloglines, though. Sometimes I feel like needing a break, usually when the rest of life is getting too hectic. It's not bad to step back for a while, like others have said. Carry around a notepad and write down ideas when you have them. When you've got some good ideas to write about, come back and I'm sure we'll all still be listening :)
Kohana said…
Oh, don't think about who's reading. That shuts me up like a clam, every time.

I appreciate your voice because of where you are as an adoptive parent. Comments and dialogue aren't necessarily a good reflection of the impact of your writing. And like so many others have said, the impact of your writing is a bi-product, and extra, of you writing for yourself.

If your self doesn't need you to write right now, well then, go pick up another hobby. But I, for one, enjoy hearing what you have to say, and would miss your voice if you weren't saying anything.
Mei-Ling said…
Margie,

I've noticed you commented once or twice at my blog but I've actually taken the time to *really* read one of your posts.

1. I don't visit AP blogs or list them on my blogroll to visit later. My position on the Internet was to find other TRAs who could identify with me. The only mothers' blogs I visit are the original mothers because it's very intriguing to see what they have to say regarding the aftermath of adoption. And even then I don't visit frequently, maybe once or twice a week.

2. Write what's in your heart. Don't do it because you feel an obligation to do so, otherwise everything will seem forced. Focus on what you want to write/rant about and just let it flow from there. Write what you want to write, not because of what some lurker will think. Other PAPs and APs probably find you very helpful, you have a voice just like anyone else here, right?

Just stopping by to say hello, and yes, keep writing. Don't do it because you feel "obligated", do it because you want to. :)

- Mei-Ling
Anonymous said…
Whoops, my post should have said:

"but I've never actually taken"

Sorry!

- Mei-Ling
Sara said…
Just joining in to say that I love your blog and I feel like I have learned a tremendous amount from reading it. I haven't commented much...maybe because I feel as though my voice as a new AP doesn't fit into the dialogue quite yet; I am still learning, still finding my feet.

I wish you wouldn't leave.
Gwen said…
Hi Margie!

I still read although I have to admit I don't really comment much anymore. My reason??? I have purposefully pulled back from adoption discussions. Honestly yours is the only adoption related blog I read anymore. It just became to hard on me as a mom trying to raise children of adoption. I need the info. and get it when I need but I don't want it constantly on the forefront of my mind. I found it blocks me from just being a parent. Of course I have to tackle adoption issues but I just can't have it as a daily discussion anymore. Does that make sense?
I tried to comment like 4 times yesterday but my computer was being uncooperative. I came here with great trepidation afraid I'd see the same comment posted multiple times. I hate it when I do that.

ANYWAY what I was trying to say yesterday was you can count me to the list of google-reader readers, and that I'm a very lazy one and bad blog neighbor to boot.

I love both your blogs.
Kristen said…
A little more feedback...
I read your blog every day. My husband and I are waiting for our referral from S. Korea, and I would really miss your insight if you decided to stop writing. I've learned so much from you, but I would say that the reason I don't comment is that you write about hard stuff. It takes me days to process what you've written about. I feel like I'm too new to all of this to have an intelligent/informed perspective... At this point I'm more of a sponge thirsty for knowledge from those at a different point in life. I hope you will still write, but totally understand if you stop. Please know that you've made a big difference in how my husband and I are thinking about adoption, and have helped our personal conversations even if we haven't contributed to the online conversation.
Heather said…
I click on your posts as soon as I see them in my feedreader because I know there will always be something of substance in them. I miss your open mic posts, even though I never had the guts to participate.

And I so hear you on overthinking how others will react instead of just writing. Eeep.
Nooooooooooooo Margie -- don't go! Many of us count on your wisdom and honesty, even if we don't comment. I echo the thoughts of another comment...you write about hard stuff; it takes awhile to process. I'm not feeling my blog either -- it's too fluffy with little true substance. I want my blog to grow up and be like yours -- tackling the real issues of adoption and mothering. But I'm too chicken. Please, don't go.
imtina said…
Margie,

I cannot imagine blogging life without you. Not just your blog...but YOU. Please don't go.

Tina

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