Is there a word for ...

"adoption battle eye-witness fatigue?"

Symptoms include extreme frustration caused by the impossible desire for dialog across painful experiences, dismay at the personal attacks that serve in its stead, oversensitity to discord, and withdrawal from the issues. The cure is progress toward ethical adoption practices and just laws for mothers and adoptees, but that is in very short supply.

I think I'll call it "Pollyanna Syndrome." And I've got it bad.

Not to turn this post into a vent, but everywhere I read lately, someone is using someone else to make a point. What is particularly disturbing is that many of the disputes aren't between the usual suspects, adoptive parents and first parents or adoptees; they're between adoptees and first parents. There is so much pain in the adoptee and first mother adoption experience already. Why is it necessary to add to it by sniping, attacking, purposefully misunderstanding, generalizing, poking fun at, and on and on?

The way I see it, adoptees lacked any choice in the course of their lives, which many face accompanied by endless and often unfulfilled searching - for identity, for family, for understanding of why this happened to them. They deserve respect and support.

First parents, mothers in particular, bore the brunt of society's judgment, often to the point of forced removal of children they wanted to parent and would have had they been given a chance. They live their lives grieving their lost children. They deserve respect and support.

Ultimately, whatever discussion takes place between adoptees and first parents is none of my business, but it's really hard to watch knowing the intensity of the commitment and underlying pain. Pollyanna here just wishes everyone could step back once in awhile, agree on a couple of achievable end goals, and move forward.

Comments

Suz Bednarz said…
yikes. sounds rough.
glad I dont read where you do.
i have a hard enough time with mothers attacking mothers let alone adoptees attacking mothers.
it is indeed very sad.
mama2roo said…
Yeah, I've seen it too. I'm a Pollyanna too. I'm often heard saying, "can't we all just get along, and if not, can't we all just agree to disagree without flaming one another??" and not just about adoption...

It really does show, though, the deep level of loss that is out there.
Lauren said…
Hi Margie,

I haven’t seen too much of this (lately) but my reading list is limited compared to yours. Your post is terrific. I think most of us tune out immediately when attacked (individually or as a member of a group). It’s not that we can’t handle painful or difficult issues or reflect on our own behavior/ideas, it’s the manner in which the message is delivered.

To make progress, we have to quit snarking, generalizing all groups in the adoption triad, and discounting each other’s experiences. We need to hear each other and even if we disagree, we need to be kind to each other. We’re better individually and as groups when we do.

Mama2Roo is right too, the intensity of what’s expressed by all parties speaks to how deeply emotional and painful these issues are.

Lauren
abebech said…
Margie,
I sympathize.
My first thought was that I don't have a "place" in those debates, as an amom. But I also feel some sort of responsibility to . . . say what, exactly, I'm not sure.
Judy said…
Very well said, Margie.

someone is using someone else to make a point.

Yes, I see this often and it just makes me cringe. Then people get offended and others get offended when the first people get offended -- using the "you're missing the broader point." Well, if you're going to 'dis someone, of course they're going to be hurt by it.

I wish people would take your words to heart.
KimKim said…
I think I know what you are referring to - I was avoiding my work and had a look there. It's really ikky how some people jump on board and use it as an excuse to get the knife in - horrible.

That kind of energy attracts more of that kind of energy. It reminds me of my angry period.

I'm glad there are mums like you and mama2roo and Judes around. I don't get that upset by the angry adoptee mean comments, it brings out the mother in me but the nasty comments from those few adoptive mothers makes me feel sad.

It's my choice where I look so I am choosing to look to you beautiful ladies who make me feel validated and respected - thank you to all of you who have taken the time to bestow us with your kindness.
Margie said…
Hi, Kim! Thanks for stopping by - but I know everyone will agree if I say that we ow YOU the thanks. You have an incredibly clear voice, and have certainly taught me a lot about living with adoption loss and reunion.

Plus you're just one cool lady, and I'm glad to know you!!

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