Memories, memories

It's hard to get into the writing swing again. Every time I've sat down to put a few thoughts to paper, I've found myself asking "What's the point?" Julia's loss makes me question where the adoption work should really be taking place, and most of all if the debate and ugliness that goes along with it is for a purpose. The answer to that last one is coming back "no."

I've also found myself clinging to my family this week. Perhaps it's human nature to do that when someone passes away, to retreat to the loved and familiar. I'd better snap out of it, though, because I've given The Girl so many no-reason hugs this week that she's starting to look at me the way the cat does when I come at him with his medicine. The Boy is probably glad he's had the work week from hell, because he's missed the smothering.

When my thoughts haven't been with Julia and those close to her, they've been with my kids. Sometimes the way I feel about them, this sort of uncontrollable crazy-in-love thing, is really overwhelming - no doubt more for them than for me. I do need to snap out of it, as work is suffering, but it's hard.

All week, little fragments of memories have been flying through my head, no doubt because I've found myself in the photo albums again, too. Sometimes they bring back an entire event, but more often or not they stand like little gems, bits of who my children are that I hope I never, ever lose.

This has been the stuff of my week, this and sadness.


Judy said…
Oh, Margie, this is so beautiful. You're wonderful, you know. Love you.

if the debate and ugliness that goes along with it is for a purpose. The answer to that last one is coming back "no."

I couldn't agree more.
Suz Bednarz said…
NOt sure I understood your statement. Are wondering if there is a purpose or a goal? For me, yes. If you are askig if the debate and the ugliness serves a purpose? I could argue yes and no. To change opinions you need to debate, discuss, share. Does it have to be done the way it is by some? Absolutely not.

But there is a purpose (well, for me) and that is that more mamas get to keep their babies and that the adoptions that need to happen are done under ethical practices and open records.

The memories you shared were fabulous. Made me cry. Also made me happy I am still living those days with my little guys. And then it made me sad I lost those days with my daughter.

Can M still shoot raisins from her nose? Tell her I want her to show me that the next time I visit. My sons would love to know how to do that.

Margie said…
Thanks, Judy and Suz :)

Oh, yes, there is a goal and a purpose to working to make adoption ethical. What I'm questioning is if it's necessary to be quite as mean as some people are in the process of making a point.

I absolutely understand and accept that anger is a part of the experience of adoption loss, no change of mind here. But (and maybe I'm just more sensitive about it right now) so much of it seems to be knee-jerk criticism and even hatred. I just don't know if that gets you nearer to the goal.

Case in point. I read on a forum the other day that there is a rift between the organizers of Adoptee Rights Day and Bastard Nation. Lots of sniping all around, quite unpleasant. And I wonder - what does that do for the cause, for the goal?

Ultimately, it's not for me to say one way or the other what an adoptee or a first parent should say or do for the cause. I guess I'm just saying I wonder if the goal could be reached without it, and I think it can.

*rambling - sorry*
Christina said…
In times of grief the political infighting seems so ridiculous - whatever the cause.

I think it is a real tribute to Julia that she inspires you to stop and count your blessings, hug your children extra tight and spend some time with your memories. We all should do those things more often.
Seoul Siblings said…
You're not the only one who is hugging their kids alot this week...although mine are a little bit younger than yours are.

It's hard to get back into the swing of things when something like this jerks you back several steps. A death in one's family, be it your immediate one or your extended one, is difficult to deal with emotionally and physically.

Gentle hugs to you, the Mom, who loves her kids and will hug them no matter what their age is and to the friend of Julia's who cares about her and John to not forget how Julia's life touched her own.
suz said…
Ah, yes, the BN and DAR topic. I have been reading many blogs about it but am not qualified to comment.

It did however remind me of another organization (that I am a member of) that has experienced similiar issues. Also reminded me of when an adoption conference univited a notable author and expert due to language...

Hard enough when we are attacked from outside. Harder still when we are attacked from within.

Deflates me. How do we expect anyone to respect us when we do not respect each other?
Margie said…
Suz - exactly. And I have seen the same thing recently in a forum for first parents.

I'm absolutely unqualified to say anything in forums that are primarily for first parents annd adoptees. And I understand that it's important for communities to define themselves and fight their own battles. I just don't have the stomach for watching it at the moment, so I've left several forums where this seems to be typical.

Hey, forgot to say - Mara hasn't shot any raisins out of her nose recently :) It seems to have been a one-shot talent. I just wish I'd caught it on video, we might have made some dollars on AFV.
suz said…
Ahh, too bad on the raisin shooter. Will have to try it tonight with Nikolas. I think I have a jar of Sunmaid at home.
Mommavia said…
I've been hugging my family a lot this week too. In addition to Julia's death, I lost a friend to cancer on June 1st. I am still recovering from the loss of my friend in February (she was pretty much my mentor through my cancer crap) to colon cancer. All these deaths really have my mind spinning and wondering if my small effort in the cancer world is making a difference.

As I experience these losses, I am preparing to help another child cope with his own losses. We are traveling to Korea tomorrow and I do have to say, I am looking at this trip and process in a different light that I did with my first son's. I am heart broken that adoption has to happen, but grateful that I am being blessed with children...

Popular Posts