The adoption gene

I don’t know about you all, but I’m reaching a point of complete and utter frustration with certain segments of the adoptive parent community.

I mean, how many times do you have to explain the pain that thousands of living, breathing people have experienced because of adoption to get that it isn’t all about you? How many times do your stereotypes about “birth mothers” and “angry adoptees” have to be dismantled before you get that adoption stereotyping is wrong?

And how many times do you have to be told that the very real love you feel for your child isn’t proof that adoption is all good?

Maybe I’ve just lived too long or something, but I getting to a point at which I think it’s fruitless to even try to influence some APs out there. Between the religious zealots and the organized extremists, we - especially the adoptees - who are calling for something as unimpeachably logical and legally just as an adopted person’s right to access their original birth certificate are simply lost in the cacophony of pro-adoption rhetoric, or as Joy called called it, the “Hollywood informercials on adoption.”

*long defeated sigh*

I’m beginning to think it’s genetic. Yes, I think there must be some chromosome on some gene that renders the person with the abnormality incapable of approaching adoption objectively or logically.

I choose the word “abnormality” on purpose, because it is simply not normal (word again chosen on purpose) for anyone to believe that adoption can negate the billions of mother-child relationships that history has shown to be deeply significant, indeed often the most important relationship in a person’s life. It sort of flies in the face of logic that a desire to know one's roots, something our society considers a positive and worthy activity, should be of no importance when adoption enters the picture. It’s also not normal to even think it’s necessary to have such a point of view.

What’s normal is to recognize that the loss of the birth relationship would cause any human being to want to know more about their origins. The job of an adoptive parent is not to raise their children in spite of or opposition to this, but to raise them in full knowledge and support of it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that adoptive parents who fight this reality must be suffering from some kind of genetic syndrome - let’s call it Genetic Adoptive Syndrome, maybe GAS for short. I see the symptoms of this disease as:
  • An altered emotional and intellectual state which denies reality in favor of stereotypical beliefs about adoption
  • The inability to distinguish between adoptions which serve the needs of children and adoptions for the sake of adoption or AP desires
  • Loud and frequent periods of misguided rhetoric
  • An inflated sense of self
  • Dangerously high levels of hypocrisy
  • The absence of humility and sympathy
  • In extreme cases, an intense need to adopt even when contraindicated by objective evaluation
  • In epidemic strains of the disease, the need to organize into like-minded clusters which, for no other reason than their number, develop a sense of entitlement to control the entire adoption experience; sometimes called NCFAosis
  • An intense period of the munchies after acute episodes

 OK, maybe not that last one. But seriously, what other explanation can one possibly offer for why an adoptive parent might say something like this:
As a foster and adoptive parent I saw and heard way too many stories where these “birth men and women” (we do not say birth parent or birth mom. Parent and mom are titles earned) are given chance after chance to better themselves and they fail.
Dear Whoever-you-are:

1) If your personal experience with particular individuals has been as you describe it, then how about you keep your comments to you and them, rather then making generalizations.
2) Regarding earning your title, I’d bet dimes to doughnuts that you called yourself your child’s “parent” and “mom” the day that child entered your family.
3) You are suffering from GAS. Seek medical attention.

Really, it just makes me so damn tired. And angry.

But let’s think positively, shall we? This irrational, bizarre behavior cannot be a permanent condition. There must be a treatment – a cure or antidote of some sort.

If you find what it is, please let me know.


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