Hypocrite: guilty as charged

I received a comment on this post that deserves a serious answer. The topic is important, one to which readers of this blog deserve a response. Here it is, verbatim; the commenter was anonymous, so I don’t know how he or she is affected by adoption:

Oh please!
Thirdmom you talk now because all of your children are grown and have their loyalties in place to you. Also, let’s not forget that you possibly adopted from Korea because at that time there were no "open adoptions" holding you hostage.
It never amazes me how aparents sing the "evils of adoption" but yet adopt from overseas to avoid bparents/open adoptions...seems hypocritical to me.

I’ve talked about and danced around hypocrisy before. This comment gives a good reason to talk about it straight on. So here goes.

Guilty as charged

The adoption path my husband and I chose is a result of what we knew about adoption, but more about what we didn’t know. The pre-adoption view isn't pretty.

We knew what we saw in the media (mostly sensational and wrong), what we learned from the very few people we talked to about adoption before we moved forward, and then from our agency and the adoptive parent organizations we found. Every source of information was adoptive-parent-centric. The internet was in its infancy, never mind the fact that the only PC I had access to, for work, only had modem access to company systems. We got our information from people and print media. It was most definitely skewed.

Our criteria were simple: we sought a program that we believed was ethical (as I understood “ethical adoption“ back then) and would accept PAPs in our age bracket.

We were pulled to intercountry adoption from Korea, for several reasons: we met a local program’s requirements, particularly age; as a couple made up of an immigrant and the child of immigrants, we understood at least a little of what it meant to be an “other” and felt we could be effective parents for a child of a different race and ethnicity.

We believed what we were told about our children's mothers, which is that they had absolutely no choices but abortion and adoption because Korean society would never allow them to parent and would discriminate against their children throughout their lives. The possibility that their families might be intact didn't come into any discussions. We understood that the loss of family would be a serious loss for our children, were open to contact from the start and did what we could to leave a trail in our children's files. Conversely, perversely, we viewed the ability to parent without interference as a positive.

Before we completed our homestudy to adopt from Korea, we were presented with the opportunity to adopt twin girls, the daughters by another father of the significant other of an acquaintance of my husband’s. They were beautiful, adorable, and we seriously considered adopting them. We met their mother, liked her and were fine with continuing an open relationship with her. But we learned along the way that their foster mother, with whom they had lived for over a year, was hoping to adopt them. We believed that the best thing for those girls was to stay with her, which is ultimately what happened.

It is therefore correct that we saw the ability to parent on our own as a good outcome of adopting from Korea. It is also correct to say that our minds were open to other possibilities and we were open to contact. It is what it is.

So what next?

My hypocrisy is clear: I adopted from Korea knowing that the likelihood of first family interference was slim to none, but I'm here and elsewhere working on adoption reform and hoping for my children's reunions with their Korean families. Why?

Because I have learned a lot since those pre- and early adoption days: about the issues, and about how easy it is for group-think to make you believe things that are simply wrong. Most of all, I realized early on that lies are more common in adoption than we want to believe, and that being a continent away doesn't make my children's mothers and families invisible.

When presented with adoption injustice, there are several paths an adopter can take. We can pull away from the entire discussion and live our lives as far away from adoption as possible. Or we can build our own universe, so to speak, and surround ourselves with people who think and say things that make us feel better.

We can also face the bad stuff and our role in it, and do something about it. Our adoption choices will rightfully be called out, but we just need to accept it. It’s a better route to go than silence.

Comments

Eileen said…
I was truly amazed by this post. Thank you! I am not the anonymous commenter, but I confess to having had similar thoughts while reading some AP blogs. I also have to admit that I do not read too many AP blogs because it is quite difficult for me as a first mother. I would venture to say that the difference between your blog and most of the others I've seen is that even the ones that are sympathetic to adoptees and first mothers tend to say, "But of course, my situation is different. My children had to be adopted because their first mother really is a crack whore." I'm kidding, but that's usually how it seems to me.

I'm certain your children are better off because of your understanding of them and their first families. I don't think it's hypocritical to change your mind when presented with new information. All of us would be so much better off if people could see adoption for the tragedy it truly is, regardless of what their views on it have been in the past. None of us can change how we have been affected by adoption, no matter how much I wish it were so. Hopefully though we can change the future!
Anonymous said…
While this was a valid point, another issue people don't realize is how vastly different the adoption landscape is now compared to even 10 years ago. There was far less information for PAPs and virtually no way to verify the truth of information. Internet was barely taking off. So, I cut old timers a lot more slack on this issue. My concern now concerns the PAPs who have access to the information and proceed anyway.
Lorraine Dusky said…
lMargie: having read your blog over the years, I know that you have sincerely come to realistic terms with what adoption is, and what it is not, and I salute you for writing the truth from your point of view. Your blog is a refreshing one to read for first mothers like me.

all the best--lorraine
NanIe said…
Being a hypocrite is not limited to adoption and AP's. We all have made mistakes intentionally or unintentionally, out of ignorance or knowingly and been in some way or another 'hypocritical'.

If being an AP who sees the error of past adoption thinking/actions and now decides to be part of the change for enlightening others and putting herself on the line to be verbally attacked and hated,then we need more AP's who can be this kind of 'hypocrite'- and I don't see many. More slinky and cowardly ones that play the fence, rather than take a firm stand and take the heat from all sides; and writing intelligent and rational thoughts to challenge people's romanticized beliefs and adoption myths is not 'singing the evils of adoption'. To the anonymous person who wrote this comment, most likely a woman, since it sounds jealous and snarky,then come out of 'hiding' if you want a real dialogue about being a hypocrite.
Solange said…
I'm sorry, Anon., but not all APs that adopt out of country are doing so just to avoid open adoptions. I have cousins adopted from Korea, Haiti, India, Jamacia, and all over the USA (both sides of my family). The majority are from an orphange in Haiti, placed in an orphanage by their first parents. I strongly believe that children should stay with their first parents/natural parents whenever possible and resources should be given to them to assist them. However, in a majority of cases, these children are far better being adopted than living in orphanages. And opening your home to these children doesn't necessarily mean that an adoptive family is adopting these international children just to avoid open adoptions.
first grandma said…
I guess I could be called a hypocrite, too. I once believed all the media about adoptive parents vs. first parents. I didn't understand how a first parent could change their minds. I didn't believe they should be able to get their babies back. Then my 19 yo daughter got pregnant. I couldn't deal. I sent her to a "Christian" counseling center. I didn't understand how they worked. They "counseled" her into adoption. I convinced her that I would adopt her baby before I could see her (the baby was a girl) going to strangers. We compromised when we found out my brother-in-law and his wife (childless) wanted to adopt. The "perfect" solution, not! A week after my daughter relinqueshed, she knew it was a mistake, and called her uncle to beg for her baby back. He refused. What was supposed to be an open, family adoption has went horribly wrong. The baby is now 2 yo,and my daughter has seen her 1 time. My husband and I have not seen her since she was 3 days old. My daughter had no legal recourse. We lived in Illinois at the time. We talked to several lawyers and all said there was no way we could get the baby back unless the AP's gave her back. The rest of my husbands family sided with our brother in law. We were asked "how could you ask for that baby back"? And your daughter needs to "put on her big girl panties and own her decision". We no longer speak to any of them. They got a baby and we get a lifetime of therapy. I no longer side with adoptive parents. It is a hard, painful lesson.
Cassi said…
First Grandma,

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your daughter and your granddaughter.
Cassi said…
Margie,

If you base hypocrisy on what we were told and believed compared to what we learned and discovered was a more accurate truth, than many of us - Adoptees, First Moms and Adoptive Moms - are hypocrites. And if that is so, I am proud to stand with you and claim the title.
Margie said…
Thanks, all, I appreciate the thoughtful comments. This is a hard topic, and many adoptive parents find it just to uncomfortable to speak out about. We need to remind ourselves all the time that adoptees and mothers and families who lose children to adoption feel the real pain. We're the ones that need to put on our big girl panties, not those who lose members of their family to adoption.

Cassi, I would define a hypocrite as someone who says one thing but does another that doesn't match - like speaking out for openness and living a closed adopton. By that definition io fall into that category because I lived a very different - that is, closed - adoption than I support here. Hopefully this post shows that you can acknowledge that but also acknowledge what you have learned so you can help others see a different point of view.

I don't think that anyone who was fed the standard "if you love your child you'll give him or her up" line and regrets that decision is a hypocrite because you are speaking a different truth today. You were a victim of a broken system. There's no hypocrisy in speaking the truth about it.

First grandma, what you describe is another, and incredibly sad, example of how broke the system is. The moment your daughter asked for her daughter to be returned to her, it should have happened. I also see terrible discrimination against young unmarried mothers in your story, and it is wrong. I hope the situation changes so your granddaughter can have a relationship with her mother and your family throughout her childhood and life.
Anonymous said…
As a first mother, I don't view you as a hypocrite but as someone who -- once knowing better, has tried to do better.

I've seen you stand up for ethics and for other first mothers (to other adoptive parents on other blogs) while other adoptive parents did not.

I haven't read enough of your blog (lurked now and then) to know if you've tried to locate your children's first families. If you didn't, I may think that was hypocritical.

There are many, many adoptive parents who, despite knowing how exploited birth parents (even their children's birth parents) were, deny it and rationalize it.

There are even those who intentionally attack first moms on their own sites and blogs, telling them that their perceptions are invalid.

I've known some who, in one breath, say they didn't know any better when they adopted ... yet, at the same time, say that their children's first mothers should have somehow known what they were getting into. Now that's hypocritical.

You are a breath of fresh air, and I hope you continue writing.
Margie said…
Thanks very much.

We have found one parent, who rejected contact at the time, but are hopeful that will change in time. Our other child did not want us to try to make contact, but has names and may choose to search in the future. Both kids are adults now, so they'll call all the shots now.
I am trying to keep an open mind when reading your blog. I have been so severely burned and coerced by my daughter's adoptive parents that my first inclination if to avoid all adoptive parents and lump them all in the "evil" group. But I don't want to feel that way about you. Even if your intentions were not good in the beginning (and I am not saying they were not) I respect that you support adoption education and that IMHO in it's itself is a support of adoption reform.

Blog on!
Anonymous said…
Thirdmom:

A hypocrite is a hypocrite Period!
deborah said…
without reading all the comments - it irks me that anyone can assume what someone's motivations/or intent was behind the way they choose to adopt. adoption is complicated and there are many reasons why we each choose the path we did. i would love it if my children and their birthparents could connect - if that is what they choose to do. lets try to be more supportive and loving towards eachother and work on issues where we can make a difference.
Margie said…
Anon, that's exactly what I said in this post. No denial. I can live with that - I have no choice. The only choice I have is what to do from now on.
Mirah Riben said…
Adoption causes pain (and loss). Lots of pain and hurt. Carole Anderson, former CUB President, used to call mothers and adoptees "the walking wounded."

Too often it seems, our pain is so unbearable that we lash out at each other - at those who are on our side, working toward the same goals we are, in the trenches with us. We find any difference to point to to feel less miserable about ourselves and put some salve on our deeply bleeding wounds oozing with guilt.

I was astounded when Annette Baran passed away and people called HER a hypocrite instead of seeing her as the brave whistle blower she was.

Forgive your anonymous commenter and take some solace in knowing you are good company. Annette was one of the bravest and most courageous, outspoken advocates for openness and honesty. She sought to have us do away totally with sealed records and falsified birth certificates. Annette favored PLG over adoption and so could have been labeled anti-adoption, and yet some saw her as "just" a social worker who had done evil.

Some find it easier to put people into neat little boxes with labels on them: adoptive parent, social workers. Some can only see the world in black and white and cannot recognize the shades of gray. And some came into adoption activism via hate-spewing websites or groups led by hate-mongers and know no other way other way of interacting.

I myself am fortunate to have begun my activism back in the days before the internet when we met people in the flesh. I was blessed to know Carol Gustavson, Jane Nash, Alyce Jenkins and other of Adoptive Mothers for Open Records. I count among my friends and colleagues people like Ann Babb, adoptive mother and author of Adoption Ethics and those I have presented Family Preservation "Hero of the Year" Awards to: Richard Boas, Jennifer Hemsely to name just two.

Are adoptive parents part of the problem? You betcha! No demand, no adoption corruption or exploitation. No coercion. No kidnapping, stealing and child trafficking to meet the demand.

But is is far too simplistic to put ALL adoptive parents into that barrel, and far too cruel to not accept the apologies of those who wake up and express remorse or regret - and not just lip service to it, but WORK to change things.

So much easier to lump and blame than to really listen, learn and make distinctions...

Worse than any hypocrite are those who spend their time hating those on our side, working toward the same goal instead of using their time and energy to fight our real enemies.

The past is over. We cannot live our live sin reverse - we cna only move forward. Let bygones be bygones. those who adopted in the past adopted THEN. It is those adopting NOW and in the future that need to be educated, and who better to do it than those who have adopted and have learned what could have been done better,
Natural mother said…
As to what first grandma said, I am her daughter. I was 19 yo when I got pregnant, 20 when I had her and now I'm 22. And I can tell you that as a birth mother, natural mother, or whatever the name is now (I call myself as a natural mother) It is extremely hard to live day by day. I think about my daughter every minute of every day. Do I consider myself as a mother even though legally I do not have her, yes. There is so much little information about adoption and APs and natural mothers do not recieve all the information when going through adoption. My father's side and me did not do all our research but I recommend all APs and natural mothers do some extensive reserch. My father's side does not understand how the mind of adoption works in a B.M. (thats birth mother in their lauguge and I find it rather offensive)I have a hard time understanding APs, being a hypocrit or not. I read that laws here in the U.S. side with the birthparents, I highly disagree. When I had my daughter, I had a c-section, then was put on pain medication that I took for roughly 2 weeks and I have a learning disability and still had to sign within 3 days. I'm not proud of my choice in putting my daughter for adoption and it is my biggest regret I have. I still want my daughter back and I still will when she enters her teens and young adult even when I become elderly, I will still want her back. My uncle and aunt also chose to hide her chosen changed name behind everyone, something that I see now as a idiotic move. Yes, I do know that names mean something to both parties. I would be fine if a non-relitive changed the name, when it came to a relative, it felt that it was absolutly disrespectful to me. As for the future, the "strangers" I gave my baby too, I highly doubt they will allow a relationship to happen with the biological grandparents, as for me, I feel like getting a relationship with my daughter is like a landmine. One step and they could break that. After I reliquished and asked for my daughter back but they said no, I did not get to see my daughter for a full year (no picturs, no videos or visits) an extremely hard thing for me to go through. Now all I do is go for therapy, my threpist says "treatment" but I can assure you that there is no treatment that can heal a mother's broken heart.
Anonymous said…
[We understood that the loss of family would be a serious loss for our children, were open to contact from the start and did what we could to leave a trail in our children's files]

Did it occur to you that your children's families might not even know any English? This baffles me. It's not like they could understand paperwork that would lead to you or have access to your address or e-mail or... anything, really.

[without reading all the comments - it irks me that anyone can assume what someone's motivations/or intent was behind the way they choose to adopt]

But when you seek adoption for the specific reason that birthparent contact is minimal... do you have any idea how cruel that sounds?

Anonymouse
Anonymous said…
Hey Margie,
this being called a hypocrite seems to be a recurring theme; and it hurts. I like your statement that we do not have the power to change the past, but the freedom to use our experience and knowledge in how we act in the future. Thank you for taking the time to explain again and again, and for keeping on the good work.
B.
(sorry, your blog doesn't seem to like my ID, so I send this as an anonymous comment)
Margie said…
Thanks again folks - Mirah, thank you for tho thoughtful comment, a better reply later from. PC.

Just want to clarify: we worked with Korean intermediary organization so language was not the issue
Myst said…
Sorry - repeating myself as it is late (or early here)

Great post with much honesty and thank you for sharing this with us. I agree it was a great question raised however I feel hypocrisy was possibly not the best description.

Could it be that instead of hypocrisy you are guilty of, you merely learned and grew in your views of adoption over the past ten years and thus changed your opinions or viewpoint?

Okay so you had a certain view of adoption when you started out to adopt... and over the years you have learned and opened your mind to various issues in adoption... I am not sure how one can call that hypocrisy. Are you currently adopting from overseas with the intention to avoid an open adoption whilst blogging about issues in adoption that are completely the opposite? I don't think you are so rather than being a hypocrite, I would say, (based on your post and what you said, and in no way a personal judgement of you) that you felt one way about adoption and have learned more and changed your views...

It is supposed to happen that way... we don't have to keep the same viewpoint our whole lives - otherwise life would be a rather miserable place!! Growth, learning etc is all part our life journey.
Margie said…
Mirah, I really appreciate your thoughts. And I want Anonymous to know this post was not written in self defense out of anger, it was written to try to encourage other adoptive parents who find it difficult to talk about adoption corruption because they don't want to believe they're a part of it to start speaking out.

I totally get what Anon is saying, and if I were an adopted person or first parent who adoption had hurt, I would very likely express my feelings the same way. The last place I'd look for an ally would be among the enemy.

Allies in the cause must also understand that we can't expect people adoption has harmed to stand up and applaud us. We need a little humility, which will allow us to accept the criticism without becoming self-defensive while still working for the common good.

I've felt the self-defensiveness and I have reacted badly from it. It's better to accept it and keep moving forward.

Thanks again, I truly appreciate this comment!!!
Margie said…
Hi, Myst!

Without trying to interpret Anon's original comment, the one at the top of the post, I think what he or she was saying is that it's easy for me to encourage others to openness when I've lived an easier adoption life with my children's families on the other side of the planet. I think that's where the hypocrisy comes in.

And I really do agree with that, it's truthful. It's easy for me to talk about these things because I haven't lived them. I can go in two directions: retreat to an AP-centric world and ignored reality, or move forward. I think moving forward is better.

Thanks for commenting!!!
Anonymous said…
Another anonymous poster here who has not commented on anything yet to date in this stream. And I want to talk about why I am anonymous.

I am an adoptive mother firmly in the adoption reform category. I used to post on different blogs and forums in support of adoption reform. I used to try to speak out when I saw things being said that made me uncomfortable or seemed unethical. I don't anymore. In fact, more and more I find myself turning away from the internet for most everything. I still read a few adoption blogs, but only a very few written by people whose opinions I trust and who avoid "fanning the flames." Occasionally I send a private email to a poster, but I virtually never comment.

I have come to believe that the nature of the internet makes honest and open discourse nearly impossible. There are too many attacks. There are too many fiascos and I, for one, am sick and tired of seeing it or inadvertently stepping into the fray. I freely admit that I entered into the adoption world for of naiveté. And only in the last few years. Even with all th sources of information out there, it is difficult for PAP's to understand what is real and what is not. My eyes have been opened and many opinions have changed, but I do not believe that makes me a hypocrite. I believe that makes me human.

What I do now is to meet with people face to face, attend adoption-related conferences and meetings, speak out in Real Life. Perhaps I shall meet some of you at the Adoption Reform Protest in Chicago? I would enjoy a face to face discussion. But I have no interest in getting caught in any internet-based crossfire ever again.
Myst said…
Hi Margie :) Yes, I get what Anon was saying - and yeah, they have a point (but then I think all of us could be guilt of hypocrisy in our lives at some point) however I was more questioning the word used and context. Again, great post and thought provoking.
Could the hypocrite label not be applied to anyone who actively participated in adoption and now criticizes aspects of it? 2/3 of the triad.

I think whenever someone who has been through the adoption experience believing, for whatever reasons, that it was a right or good thing has their eyes opened and tries to tell the rest of the world what they now believe to be true it is an act of bravery not hypocrisy.

The real hypocrites are those workers in the adoption industry who knew the truth but chose willful blindness because it profited them either financially or psychologically or both to put another woman's baby in somebody else's arms.
Anonymous said…
Hypocrite as an insult has always baffled me. I mean does anyone think they are capable of not being a hypocrite. People don't think in such a linear and sounds very boring fashion.

I think when I was 20, I spent a lot of time smoking cigarettes and driving around in cars whilst speaking about air pollution. I mean some institutions/infrastructure/availibility of information make it impossible to be in constant alignment to what we think are values are.

Joy
ms. marginalia said…
Growing and changing one's mind is seen as NEGATIVE? That's sad. I've changed my mind about many things, and for the better, I believe.

I grew up in a very conservative Midwestern community that vilified homosexuality. My parents were not homophobic, but the LBGT community wasn't really something openly talked about. I was homophobic because my peers were.

I went to college, learned a great deal, talked about sexuality, made gay friends, actually confronted my prejudices, and changed my mind about many things. So I am a hypocrite, I guess, in that I used to be homophobic but am not anymore? Sad that people are judged for growing and learning and trying to change the world for the better to help groups of people who are marginalized.

"Hypocrite" seems like a very poor word to use in relation to what Margie describes in her story, and her growth of knowledge over time.
Kris said…
LIke you Margie I have changed my mind so much about adoption since we adopted. I was so clueless it's embarrassing to me now. If I could go back in time I would not choose to adopt. However, that is not possible! You make the best of your choices and learn and grow. I love my daughter more than life itself which is why it kills me to know that my decision to adopt her may not have been what was best for her. I don't think of you as a hypocrite at all. You are out here educating and speaking out. You are very knowledgeable and your blog has taught me so much. I agree with ms. marginalia, growing and changing one's mind about things should be considered a positive in most cases. And if it is hypocrisy, so be it. Maybe hypocrisy is not such a bad thing@
Margie said…
Thanks again, all, for the comments and thoughts.

At the end of the day we're all human. We think and do things that we believe are right and learn later that they're not. What we do with that knowledge is important. It's good to see so many folks here acknowledging our human weaknesses and wanting to get beyond them.

This has been a very hopeful conversation indeed!!!
Cynthia said…
margie. thanks for putting into words the experience i share with you having adopted in the pre-internet world as well. we did all we could do to learn about international adoption and made what seemed like a good choice for OUR needs both practical and ethical. it became clear once we became adoptive parents, that the lack of answers to our questions was at best 50% smokescreen which was very disturbing. we were also shocked that most other APs and most Koreans we knew thought we were quite odd for wanting to connect our family's lives to Korea and our child's Korean past. The media for news was paper magazines and newsletters full of happy baby photos and stories and not a mention of all the other stuff, the dark side. Only pushing against this bliss-filled naivete did we learn more and more about what complications and half-truths and political messes we really were part of. from an early age we spoke of adoption in terms of not-knowing, mixed blessings, ambiguity and hurt. as the second parents (or maybe 3rd or 4th) in a child's universe we have tried to partner with the unknown first parents as best we can. even now, 20+ yrs later, daughter will speak of first mom and the questions she holds close. when others, those with no adoption experience tell me i'm lucky, or that she should be grateful (oh how that pushes a button for me to start steaming!!), i try my best to calmly explain in brief, concrete terms that this whole experience of adoption is a lose-lose game where loss, pain and more are shared by first family, adoptee and adoptive family if they are paying attention. this is not to say that we are a miserable, tearful bunch every moment of every day, but it colors our lives and we owe each other the honesty of publically saying it is part of adoption, being part of a family breech that should not happen. And it is our role to also let public officials know what we know, to advocate for changes that will help, to promote better more ethical policies, to not just step back but to step up. margie you do this so very well. thank you.
Margie said…
"...it colors our lives and we owe each other the honesty of publically saying it is part of adoption, being part of a family breech that should not happen."

What it takes me ages and tomes to say, you have said in this phrase. Exactly. Exactly.

Thank you for this wise comment.
Anonymous said…
"I love my daughter more than life itself which is why it kills me to know that my decision to adopt her may not have been what was best for her. I don't think of you as a hypocrite at all. You are out here educating and speaking out. You are very knowledgeable and your blog has taught me so much. "

While Margie may have learned of the "faults" of adoption, she still comes across as a hypocrite! She criticizes aparents for the very thing she has done in the past. While its one thing to acknowledge what one has done was wrong, it’s another thing not to "own up to it (until later)" while acting as the “Ambassador for all things wrong with adoption”! This is why I accused her of hypocrisy.
Cynthia said…
anoymous....i think you are missing the point here. margie is saying she has learned from her mistakes and she is trying to share that learning here. hypocrisy would be to repeat and allow others to repeat and say nothing.
NanIe said…
Well anonymous, you have shown your true colors in finding fault and blame, even when a person owns up to their past 'hypocrisy' that you feel so superior in pointing out. When you decide to get off your high horse and can value a person TRYING to do the right thing after doing lots of the wrong things, then you have worked on your own character, rather than condemning and judging another. Obviously having intelligent and rational conversations does not enlighten you, it keeps you stupid. And you can't fight stupid.
Elle said…
Hi Margie, it's Elle here again I decided to delete my blog based on things that happened with my Korean family... to make it short my Swedish parents are expected to give my Korean parents a one week holiday in Sweden. And since they can't speak any Korean it means they have to bring one of my siblings. If they bring one then there's 7 more waiting for their tourn. They think I'm ungrateful now because I did shop a lot and not once did I treat 15 people out to dinner. The gifts I made for my parents wasn't appreciated they prefer label goods instead, something I can't even afford myself. And they don't seem to want to know me they just want me and my family to buy them things. They money I had was a result of 25 years of savings... Just wanted to tell you this since I know that you have children who may want to find their Korean families in the future.
MadeInKorea said…
The real reason anonymous and other AP's get bent out of shape on the topic of Margie being a 'hypocrite'is because they feel attacked and condemned. Isn't that the real issue at hand? Rather than learn the hard and truths of adoption and be woman enough to bear one's own complicity, whether ignorantly/naively/knowingly/deceived, they would rather attack the messenger than see the truth in the message.

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