Hypocrite: guilty as charged
I received a comment on this post that deserves a serious answer. The topic is important, one to which readers of this blog deserve a response. Here it is, verbatim; the commenter was anonymous, so I don’t know how he or she is affected by adoption:
I’ve talked about and danced around hypocrisy before. This comment gives a good reason to talk about it straight on. So here goes.
Guilty as charged
The adoption path my husband and I chose is a result of what we knew about adoption, but more about what we didn’t know. The pre-adoption view isn't pretty.
We knew what we saw in the media (mostly sensational and wrong), what we learned from the very few people we talked to about adoption before we moved forward, and then from our agency and the adoptive parent organizations we found. Every source of information was adoptive-parent-centric. The internet was in its infancy, never mind the fact that the only PC I had access to, for work, only had modem access to company systems. We got our information from people and print media. It was most definitely skewed.
Our criteria were simple: we sought a program that we believed was ethical (as I understood “ethical adoption“ back then) and would accept PAPs in our age bracket.
We were pulled to intercountry adoption from Korea, for several reasons: we met a local program’s requirements, particularly age; as a couple made up of an immigrant and the child of immigrants, we understood at least a little of what it meant to be an “other” and felt we could be effective parents for a child of a different race and ethnicity.
We believed what we were told about our children's mothers, which is that they had absolutely no choices but abortion and adoption because Korean society would never allow them to parent and would discriminate against their children throughout their lives. The possibility that their families might be intact didn't come into any discussions. We understood that the loss of family would be a serious loss for our children, were open to contact from the start and did what we could to leave a trail in our children's files. Conversely, perversely, we viewed the ability to parent without interference as a positive.
Before we completed our homestudy to adopt from Korea, we were presented with the opportunity to adopt twin girls, the daughters by another father of the significant other of an acquaintance of my husband’s. They were beautiful, adorable, and we seriously considered adopting them. We met their mother, liked her and were fine with continuing an open relationship with her. But we learned along the way that their foster mother, with whom they had lived for over a year, was hoping to adopt them. We believed that the best thing for those girls was to stay with her, which is ultimately what happened.
It is therefore correct that we saw the ability to parent on our own as a good outcome of adopting from Korea. It is also correct to say that our minds were open to other possibilities and we were open to contact. It is what it is.
So what next?
My hypocrisy is clear: I adopted from Korea knowing that the likelihood of first family interference was slim to none, but I'm here and elsewhere working on adoption reform and hoping for my children's reunions with their Korean families. Why?
Because I have learned a lot since those pre- and early adoption days: about the issues, and about how easy it is for group-think to make you believe things that are simply wrong. Most of all, I realized early on that lies are more common in adoption than we want to believe, and that being a continent away doesn't make my children's mothers and families invisible.
When presented with adoption injustice, there are several paths an adopter can take. We can pull away from the entire discussion and live our lives as far away from adoption as possible. Or we can build our own universe, so to speak, and surround ourselves with people who think and say things that make us feel better.
We can also face the bad stuff and our role in it, and do something about it. Our adoption choices will rightfully be called out, but we just need to accept it. It’s a better route to go than silence.
Oh please!
Thirdmom you talk now because all of your children are grown and have their loyalties in place to you. Also, let’s not forget that you possibly adopted from Korea because at that time there were no "open adoptions" holding you hostage.
It never amazes me how aparents sing the "evils of adoption" but yet adopt from overseas to avoid bparents/open adoptions...seems hypocritical to me.
I’ve talked about and danced around hypocrisy before. This comment gives a good reason to talk about it straight on. So here goes.
Guilty as charged
The adoption path my husband and I chose is a result of what we knew about adoption, but more about what we didn’t know. The pre-adoption view isn't pretty.
We knew what we saw in the media (mostly sensational and wrong), what we learned from the very few people we talked to about adoption before we moved forward, and then from our agency and the adoptive parent organizations we found. Every source of information was adoptive-parent-centric. The internet was in its infancy, never mind the fact that the only PC I had access to, for work, only had modem access to company systems. We got our information from people and print media. It was most definitely skewed.
Our criteria were simple: we sought a program that we believed was ethical (as I understood “ethical adoption“ back then) and would accept PAPs in our age bracket.
We were pulled to intercountry adoption from Korea, for several reasons: we met a local program’s requirements, particularly age; as a couple made up of an immigrant and the child of immigrants, we understood at least a little of what it meant to be an “other” and felt we could be effective parents for a child of a different race and ethnicity.
We believed what we were told about our children's mothers, which is that they had absolutely no choices but abortion and adoption because Korean society would never allow them to parent and would discriminate against their children throughout their lives. The possibility that their families might be intact didn't come into any discussions. We understood that the loss of family would be a serious loss for our children, were open to contact from the start and did what we could to leave a trail in our children's files. Conversely, perversely, we viewed the ability to parent without interference as a positive.
Before we completed our homestudy to adopt from Korea, we were presented with the opportunity to adopt twin girls, the daughters by another father of the significant other of an acquaintance of my husband’s. They were beautiful, adorable, and we seriously considered adopting them. We met their mother, liked her and were fine with continuing an open relationship with her. But we learned along the way that their foster mother, with whom they had lived for over a year, was hoping to adopt them. We believed that the best thing for those girls was to stay with her, which is ultimately what happened.
It is therefore correct that we saw the ability to parent on our own as a good outcome of adopting from Korea. It is also correct to say that our minds were open to other possibilities and we were open to contact. It is what it is.
So what next?
My hypocrisy is clear: I adopted from Korea knowing that the likelihood of first family interference was slim to none, but I'm here and elsewhere working on adoption reform and hoping for my children's reunions with their Korean families. Why?
Because I have learned a lot since those pre- and early adoption days: about the issues, and about how easy it is for group-think to make you believe things that are simply wrong. Most of all, I realized early on that lies are more common in adoption than we want to believe, and that being a continent away doesn't make my children's mothers and families invisible.
When presented with adoption injustice, there are several paths an adopter can take. We can pull away from the entire discussion and live our lives as far away from adoption as possible. Or we can build our own universe, so to speak, and surround ourselves with people who think and say things that make us feel better.
We can also face the bad stuff and our role in it, and do something about it. Our adoption choices will rightfully be called out, but we just need to accept it. It’s a better route to go than silence.
Comments
I'm certain your children are better off because of your understanding of them and their first families. I don't think it's hypocritical to change your mind when presented with new information. All of us would be so much better off if people could see adoption for the tragedy it truly is, regardless of what their views on it have been in the past. None of us can change how we have been affected by adoption, no matter how much I wish it were so. Hopefully though we can change the future!
all the best--lorraine
If being an AP who sees the error of past adoption thinking/actions and now decides to be part of the change for enlightening others and putting herself on the line to be verbally attacked and hated,then we need more AP's who can be this kind of 'hypocrite'- and I don't see many. More slinky and cowardly ones that play the fence, rather than take a firm stand and take the heat from all sides; and writing intelligent and rational thoughts to challenge people's romanticized beliefs and adoption myths is not 'singing the evils of adoption'. To the anonymous person who wrote this comment, most likely a woman, since it sounds jealous and snarky,then come out of 'hiding' if you want a real dialogue about being a hypocrite.
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your daughter and your granddaughter.
If you base hypocrisy on what we were told and believed compared to what we learned and discovered was a more accurate truth, than many of us - Adoptees, First Moms and Adoptive Moms - are hypocrites. And if that is so, I am proud to stand with you and claim the title.
Cassi, I would define a hypocrite as someone who says one thing but does another that doesn't match - like speaking out for openness and living a closed adopton. By that definition io fall into that category because I lived a very different - that is, closed - adoption than I support here. Hopefully this post shows that you can acknowledge that but also acknowledge what you have learned so you can help others see a different point of view.
I don't think that anyone who was fed the standard "if you love your child you'll give him or her up" line and regrets that decision is a hypocrite because you are speaking a different truth today. You were a victim of a broken system. There's no hypocrisy in speaking the truth about it.
First grandma, what you describe is another, and incredibly sad, example of how broke the system is. The moment your daughter asked for her daughter to be returned to her, it should have happened. I also see terrible discrimination against young unmarried mothers in your story, and it is wrong. I hope the situation changes so your granddaughter can have a relationship with her mother and your family throughout her childhood and life.
I've seen you stand up for ethics and for other first mothers (to other adoptive parents on other blogs) while other adoptive parents did not.
I haven't read enough of your blog (lurked now and then) to know if you've tried to locate your children's first families. If you didn't, I may think that was hypocritical.
There are many, many adoptive parents who, despite knowing how exploited birth parents (even their children's birth parents) were, deny it and rationalize it.
There are even those who intentionally attack first moms on their own sites and blogs, telling them that their perceptions are invalid.
I've known some who, in one breath, say they didn't know any better when they adopted ... yet, at the same time, say that their children's first mothers should have somehow known what they were getting into. Now that's hypocritical.
You are a breath of fresh air, and I hope you continue writing.
We have found one parent, who rejected contact at the time, but are hopeful that will change in time. Our other child did not want us to try to make contact, but has names and may choose to search in the future. Both kids are adults now, so they'll call all the shots now.
Blog on!
A hypocrite is a hypocrite Period!
Too often it seems, our pain is so unbearable that we lash out at each other - at those who are on our side, working toward the same goals we are, in the trenches with us. We find any difference to point to to feel less miserable about ourselves and put some salve on our deeply bleeding wounds oozing with guilt.
I was astounded when Annette Baran passed away and people called HER a hypocrite instead of seeing her as the brave whistle blower she was.
Forgive your anonymous commenter and take some solace in knowing you are good company. Annette was one of the bravest and most courageous, outspoken advocates for openness and honesty. She sought to have us do away totally with sealed records and falsified birth certificates. Annette favored PLG over adoption and so could have been labeled anti-adoption, and yet some saw her as "just" a social worker who had done evil.
Some find it easier to put people into neat little boxes with labels on them: adoptive parent, social workers. Some can only see the world in black and white and cannot recognize the shades of gray. And some came into adoption activism via hate-spewing websites or groups led by hate-mongers and know no other way other way of interacting.
I myself am fortunate to have begun my activism back in the days before the internet when we met people in the flesh. I was blessed to know Carol Gustavson, Jane Nash, Alyce Jenkins and other of Adoptive Mothers for Open Records. I count among my friends and colleagues people like Ann Babb, adoptive mother and author of Adoption Ethics and those I have presented Family Preservation "Hero of the Year" Awards to: Richard Boas, Jennifer Hemsely to name just two.
Are adoptive parents part of the problem? You betcha! No demand, no adoption corruption or exploitation. No coercion. No kidnapping, stealing and child trafficking to meet the demand.
But is is far too simplistic to put ALL adoptive parents into that barrel, and far too cruel to not accept the apologies of those who wake up and express remorse or regret - and not just lip service to it, but WORK to change things.
So much easier to lump and blame than to really listen, learn and make distinctions...
Worse than any hypocrite are those who spend their time hating those on our side, working toward the same goal instead of using their time and energy to fight our real enemies.
The past is over. We cannot live our live sin reverse - we cna only move forward. Let bygones be bygones. those who adopted in the past adopted THEN. It is those adopting NOW and in the future that need to be educated, and who better to do it than those who have adopted and have learned what could have been done better,
Did it occur to you that your children's families might not even know any English? This baffles me. It's not like they could understand paperwork that would lead to you or have access to your address or e-mail or... anything, really.
[without reading all the comments - it irks me that anyone can assume what someone's motivations/or intent was behind the way they choose to adopt]
But when you seek adoption for the specific reason that birthparent contact is minimal... do you have any idea how cruel that sounds?
Anonymouse
this being called a hypocrite seems to be a recurring theme; and it hurts. I like your statement that we do not have the power to change the past, but the freedom to use our experience and knowledge in how we act in the future. Thank you for taking the time to explain again and again, and for keeping on the good work.
B.
(sorry, your blog doesn't seem to like my ID, so I send this as an anonymous comment)
Just want to clarify: we worked with Korean intermediary organization so language was not the issue
Great post with much honesty and thank you for sharing this with us. I agree it was a great question raised however I feel hypocrisy was possibly not the best description.
Could it be that instead of hypocrisy you are guilty of, you merely learned and grew in your views of adoption over the past ten years and thus changed your opinions or viewpoint?
Okay so you had a certain view of adoption when you started out to adopt... and over the years you have learned and opened your mind to various issues in adoption... I am not sure how one can call that hypocrisy. Are you currently adopting from overseas with the intention to avoid an open adoption whilst blogging about issues in adoption that are completely the opposite? I don't think you are so rather than being a hypocrite, I would say, (based on your post and what you said, and in no way a personal judgement of you) that you felt one way about adoption and have learned more and changed your views...
It is supposed to happen that way... we don't have to keep the same viewpoint our whole lives - otherwise life would be a rather miserable place!! Growth, learning etc is all part our life journey.
I totally get what Anon is saying, and if I were an adopted person or first parent who adoption had hurt, I would very likely express my feelings the same way. The last place I'd look for an ally would be among the enemy.
Allies in the cause must also understand that we can't expect people adoption has harmed to stand up and applaud us. We need a little humility, which will allow us to accept the criticism without becoming self-defensive while still working for the common good.
I've felt the self-defensiveness and I have reacted badly from it. It's better to accept it and keep moving forward.
Thanks again, I truly appreciate this comment!!!
Without trying to interpret Anon's original comment, the one at the top of the post, I think what he or she was saying is that it's easy for me to encourage others to openness when I've lived an easier adoption life with my children's families on the other side of the planet. I think that's where the hypocrisy comes in.
And I really do agree with that, it's truthful. It's easy for me to talk about these things because I haven't lived them. I can go in two directions: retreat to an AP-centric world and ignored reality, or move forward. I think moving forward is better.
Thanks for commenting!!!
I am an adoptive mother firmly in the adoption reform category. I used to post on different blogs and forums in support of adoption reform. I used to try to speak out when I saw things being said that made me uncomfortable or seemed unethical. I don't anymore. In fact, more and more I find myself turning away from the internet for most everything. I still read a few adoption blogs, but only a very few written by people whose opinions I trust and who avoid "fanning the flames." Occasionally I send a private email to a poster, but I virtually never comment.
I have come to believe that the nature of the internet makes honest and open discourse nearly impossible. There are too many attacks. There are too many fiascos and I, for one, am sick and tired of seeing it or inadvertently stepping into the fray. I freely admit that I entered into the adoption world for of naiveté. And only in the last few years. Even with all th sources of information out there, it is difficult for PAP's to understand what is real and what is not. My eyes have been opened and many opinions have changed, but I do not believe that makes me a hypocrite. I believe that makes me human.
What I do now is to meet with people face to face, attend adoption-related conferences and meetings, speak out in Real Life. Perhaps I shall meet some of you at the Adoption Reform Protest in Chicago? I would enjoy a face to face discussion. But I have no interest in getting caught in any internet-based crossfire ever again.
I think whenever someone who has been through the adoption experience believing, for whatever reasons, that it was a right or good thing has their eyes opened and tries to tell the rest of the world what they now believe to be true it is an act of bravery not hypocrisy.
The real hypocrites are those workers in the adoption industry who knew the truth but chose willful blindness because it profited them either financially or psychologically or both to put another woman's baby in somebody else's arms.
I think when I was 20, I spent a lot of time smoking cigarettes and driving around in cars whilst speaking about air pollution. I mean some institutions/infrastructure/availibility of information make it impossible to be in constant alignment to what we think are values are.
Joy
I grew up in a very conservative Midwestern community that vilified homosexuality. My parents were not homophobic, but the LBGT community wasn't really something openly talked about. I was homophobic because my peers were.
I went to college, learned a great deal, talked about sexuality, made gay friends, actually confronted my prejudices, and changed my mind about many things. So I am a hypocrite, I guess, in that I used to be homophobic but am not anymore? Sad that people are judged for growing and learning and trying to change the world for the better to help groups of people who are marginalized.
"Hypocrite" seems like a very poor word to use in relation to what Margie describes in her story, and her growth of knowledge over time.
At the end of the day we're all human. We think and do things that we believe are right and learn later that they're not. What we do with that knowledge is important. It's good to see so many folks here acknowledging our human weaknesses and wanting to get beyond them.
This has been a very hopeful conversation indeed!!!
What it takes me ages and tomes to say, you have said in this phrase. Exactly. Exactly.
Thank you for this wise comment.
While Margie may have learned of the "faults" of adoption, she still comes across as a hypocrite! She criticizes aparents for the very thing she has done in the past. While its one thing to acknowledge what one has done was wrong, it’s another thing not to "own up to it (until later)" while acting as the “Ambassador for all things wrong with adoption”! This is why I accused her of hypocrisy.