I wrote a post last week following an online debacle not of my making, but which drew me in anyway and pretty much blew up my adoption world. Although I don't shy away from confrontation, the kind of confrontation I like focuses on issues, not personalities and factions, but that approach to trying to extricate myself from this situation didn't serve me well. By the time it had ended, I had lost two acquaintances I don't regret losing and a friend I do. It is, unfortunately, what it is.

Although I got some kind comments immediately after publishing the post, I also got an immediate message from an adoptee I respect tremendously voicing sadness at what I had written, seeing in it a a judgment of adoptees who do choose to live immersed in adoption. That concern deserves my response.

First, to be clear, here's what I didn't say in the post:

  • That adoptees should not build a community for themselves.
  • That adoptees should not work to reform adoption's ills.
What I did say is a little more complex, and I will do my best to clarify.

Adoption can do good, but it can also harm. Adoptees, their mothers and their families have been harmed the most by adoption corruption and injustice. Adopters and adoption facilitators have, by and large, either watched in silence or taken action so slowly that the injustices have continued for far too long.

In my opinion, the ones causing the injustices should be working hard to correct them, and that would be me, not my kids. Adoptees should be allowed to build the identities they choose, without demand that they join the fight, and without denial of their voices as leaders in the community. The choice is theirs.

My post simply expresses my happiness that my kids have chosen to live as they do. It is not a judgment of any adoptee who chooses adoption as their life's focus and work or adoptees as their community.


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